Ok – So, they aren’t my in-laws quite yet, but I already avoid them like the plague! Its flipping nuts!
Here is some background info- My fiance was homeschooled (not that it really matters, but his mom has controlled his life FOREVER). He is the oldest of 2.
Here are some of the issues – We were looking at homes and by we in their eyes its he… they refuse to admit that it is my house as well (I do not live there full time(as my parents will not pay for my school if i do) but I do all of the cleaning, cooking, and shopping – He calls it our house and asks my advice on paint colors and what I want our hosue to be like etc.). So there is the first issue. We are engaged!!! Why in the world do they keep saying that "anything can happen" What is this anything? are they going to kill me off so he can’t marry me?!?!?!
My fiance will not step up to them and tell them no about anything. His dad has things stored in our barn (even though he has his own to store things at). His mom insists that our front room will be a sitting room while we have already concluded it on being a dining room, and of course we are to fill our house with antiques (because it was built in 1890). I picked out paint samples for the whole house and she ripped them up insisting it was much too dark and will make the rooms look too small (And they aren’t even dark colors) She decided that we should paint the whole house white…. (WHAT?!!?)
They feel as if they have dibs on the house!!! See, when we were looking we saw the house – 3 days later a bid was in and 2 days after that we had the house. His parents put up the cash for it, then my fiance got a mortgage and paid them back for the house.
Now, They say they are going to give us 10K for the wedding, but have subtracted everything we owe them (THAT WE DIDN"T EVEN ASK FOR). They put in a furnace and well while the home was still in their name. We were not ready to make these renovations but now they are taking it from our wedding money?!?!?!
So basically we are back to nothing at the wedding and don’t even have money for a deposit on a hall.
Our house got broken into and a few small powertools and batteries were stolen, but somehow that is my fiance’s fault.
Every time we see them they are complaining about SOMETHING that we had done wrong…
And the last time they came over to the house… they were upstairs for like 20 minutes… what are they doing upstairs there is only a bedroom? Does anyone else find that weird?
The one weekend we were sleeping in, and all of the sudden his dads truck pulls in our driveway and his phone rings in the middle of uhm… other activities! So we had to stop and then on top of it they brought some sausage that I "Could make with some eggs" So not only did they arrive unannounced – interrupt us – but expect me to make them breakfast!!!!?!????
What do I do? I don’t want to start a family argument but they are driving me nuts! They act like we are at their house but its not, then as if we are not a serious relationship. Its like they are in control of his life and its time to cut the umbilical cord…
so what to do?
Your parents sound like my parents. They are not nuts, well maybe a little bit. You didn’t say, but I’m going to go out on a limb and assume they are not of American descent (either asian or recent european).
Your fiancee’s parents have very strong wills and personalities. It has to do with the way they were raised , it’s the way people thought and behaved during that time, you can’t change it (people had crazy thoughts during WW2, but war is crazy). Back in the day everyone was like family, everything close knit, everyone knew each other. Everyone knew what was going on in each other’s lives. Today different. And most typical Americans have different mentality. They think: hands off, leave the children to do their own thing, help them only when they absolutely need it. It sounds like you are of this type.
First let’s give your fiancee’s parents props for putting up the cash for your house. That wasn’t something they had to do. They could have just sat back and let you deal with everything. Let’s also give them props for helping you out financially with your wedding. That wasn’t something they had to do either. They are not obligated to give you any money.
Let’s look at it from the parents point of view. They are putting up the monies, they do have a right to their say. What’s clear to me, is that you need some help here. If you and your fiancee were ready for all these committments (buying house, getting married,etc) you wouldn’t need help from anybody.
To push the parents away, sometimes you need to be firm and determined and just tell them what’s on your mind. It’s one reason I’m not married to this point because I know I’m not ready to take on my parents and all their meddling. You’ll also learn that sometimes their advice is actually pretty good, even if it’s not being sought after.
Also, you keep talking about your fiancee’s parents. Where are your parents in this? Why aren’t they helping out?
Btw- my brother recently got married. He’s doing a good job so far with maintaining relationship with the parents. His wife has a very small family and only has a mother who lives in Guam. My parents put up money for some of the wedding day activities. My mother, with her strong personality, got her way with much of the guest list and some other things, but my brother did a good job pushing them off and allowing himself to do what he and his wife wanted to do. I don’t think his wife is strong enough to push my parents away, she seemed to pretty much give in every time my mom or dad pushed something on her.
Regarding Kat’s comment above it sounds accurate. If your fiancee has not stood up by now he likely will not. I also agree with Kat in that your best solution is to move far away. I’m moving to Washington next year and I’ll be happier for it, far away from San Francisco.